The inner workings of a seemingly dangerous mind

[Kadie Taylor]

Dear Diary,

Well, the counselor thinks that getting my feelings out on paper could relieve some of the pain. I've been writing novels since I was six years old, so this really shouldn't be a problem for me. But even writing about all I've gone through is hard, so I'm not going to for now. Instead, you'll have to bear with a very confused mind for awhile.

So I met this guy the other day. A Gryffindor, which really doesn't bother me. Khy was a Gryffindor, and the best person I've ever known. But what does bother me about this guy, is the fact that I'm actually beginning to like him. I haven't allowed any guys to get in that far to where I think I have feelings for him. And I really don't want to start. But, I don't want to run away either. The guy makes me laugh. He makes me feel things I haven't felt for a long time. Scary thing, but I really want us to become friends. And friends don't exactly run away from each other, right?

That means that I'm just going to have to not think about my feelings, otherwise; I just might freak out and bolt. So, I'm going to try to treat him like a brother or something. Maybe that won't work since my feelings for him are a lot stronger than that, but it's just what I'm going to have to do. Besides which, this guy is a player. Just the type of guy that I love to hate. And yet; I can't hate him. I really can't. What is it about him? Why is it that I feel like letting my guard down? He's a player, I'm usually more smart then this.

But, it's not going to go anywhere. He's a player, and I run from commitment. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Besides which, I'm not even sure if he likes me or not. And really, if I become convinced that he has feelings for me, I'll probably freak out and run, at the same time that I'll want him too.

I know, I know. Pretty screwed up right? I'm just one confused chick. I'm not going to analyze his feelings for me. So far, he's been very nice. It could be the start of a really great friendship. One that I really don't want feelings to get in the way of, though really; even if I am the Snow Queen, I don't know how I'm going to prevent that from happening; at least on my part.

I gotta keep thinking friends, and hide the fact from him that I like him. Pretty easy for me to do, well at least usually. I've mastered the whole expressionless mask thing that I've hidden behind for a long while now. It's just that, somehow; Lee makes that mask go away. Not necessarily a bad thing, but scary anyway. Anyway, I really shouldn't be analyzing this. If I think too much, I really will run to avoid my feelings. But for now, I'm content with becoming his friend and not running.

Until next time

~Snow Queen~

[Kadie Taylor]

Dear Diary,

There seriously must be something in the air. I'm happier then I've been in a long time. And I know that Lee has a lot to do with that. And yet, in spite of the way he makes me feel and how happy I am now because of him; it freaks me out. He's a player, and I really don't want to do a relationship. I'm too scared to get into another one.

Besides which, Lee and I have this great friendship going, and a relationship would probably just screw it up. But it's becoming a lot harder to put on that mask around Lee. I'm afraid that my eyes are giving me and my dang feelings away. And every time he's near me, my heart beats faster and I'm feeling things for him that are utterly confusing. Every time he's close to me, I'm tempted to kiss him or something. And boy would that send out mixed signals. Seriously, each time he comes close to me and my pulse quickens and stuff; I'm always tempted to conjure up a desk or something to put in between us. But that would look really stupid and silly and he'd ask questions, lol.

I'm just totally confused. But I'm sure of one thing; I do have feelings for him. And while I'm tempted to avoid him because of it, I can't bring myself to run away from him. I care too much about him to hurt him like that. And it's not his fault that I have feelings for him. It's my own. So I've just got to deal with them. But I wish they'd go away. I'm happy because of my feelings, but at the same time; I really shouldn't be having these feelings. Caring about Lee the way I do, just brings about pain. Pain that I'm not so sure I'm willing to feel ever again.

I'm not saying that Lee is the type of guy that James was. But he's a player. And in spite of the way he makes me feel; I'm not exactly sure that I'm having the same effect on him. Probably not. He probably acts around other girls exactly how he acts around me. I'm probably just another girl in the sea of many for him. That in a way hurts, but it's also a safe thought. Safe because he probably won't want a relationship with me.

Anyway, I talked to Jay the other day. Jay has been hearing rumors and such. And was angry about the fact that Lee could be trying to charm me. But, I calmed him down. I appreciate him being the way he is. But seriously? He's a little too overprotective at times. I love him though. Khy was just as overprotective if not more.

Oh, I made a couple of new friends the other day. Austin and Evan Young. I probably wasn't so nice to Evan at first. I laughed at him about his owl giving him grief. But, we got to talking, and he's really cool. Austin is just as cool, and I look forward to getting to know both of them better. Wow, there really is something different about me lately. The Snow Queen was shying away from people. I don't really feel like the Snow Queen anymore, especially when I'm around Lee. Hopefully it lasts. I'm acting like the fun-loving popular girl I was before Khy's death. I never thought that I could be that girl again. I owe most of that fact to Lee.

Until next time

~Kadie~

[Kadie Taylor]

Dear Diary,

Wow, a lot has happened since I last wrote. I really started to avoid Lee. Pointless really. My feelings for him weren't going away at all. But you know me; I didn't want to like him so I insisted on doing it still. And then I insisted on flirting with my friend named Evan to sort of make Lee jealous because I had heard that he was having a little fling with a teacher.

All of it was a huge misunderstanding though. Lee ended up punching Evan in the face when Evan and I were building a snowman. I felt really bad when Evan walked away after finding out that I had led him on. I thought I had also ruined things with Lee. But, Lee and I got together that very day after talking things out.

I realized that running away from my feelings and everything else was just stupid. I take chances on everything else, so I finally decided to take a chance on a relationship with Lee. And, I'm very glad that I did so. I thought it'd be weird to have this guy holding my hand when I pushed guys away for so long. But, it feels totally natural. And all of the whispers don't bother me either. There are still bets going around to see how long Lee and I will last. That sort of bothers me. But I realize that most of it is coming from the girls Lee used to flirt with, and from the guys who tried to get me and failed. They only tried to get me cause I was the Snow Queen, a challenge. I never felt that once from Lee. He truly did want to be with me.

I know that they all could never have expected Lee and I to get together of all people. But, I always have been slightly unpredictable. And you can't help who you fall for. People make me laugh. You'd think they'd find something more interesting to talk about then Lee and I. But seriously, whenever Lee and I go down to the great hall, hand in hand; people still stare at us like they still can't believe we're together.

I figure, why not give them something to talk about? So I usually lean over and kiss Lee and then smile all brightly at all the girls and at all the guys making bets. It really doesn't matter what they say anyway. Lee and I are insanely happy. I can't remember being this happy, really ever.

I hope that Jay doesn't feel too bad. I still include Jay and stuff in everything. And it's not like he's being replaced. Jay is still like an older brother to me. But, Jay was all for a relationship between Lee and I before we got into one. I'm just gonna have to talk to Jay about things now.

I think he likes Rowena. In fact, I'm almost positive that he does. We'll just have to see what happens with that. And, we'll just have to see what happens with Lee and I. We're totally happy right now. I'm really just taking one day at a time, and enjoying myself in the process. Yup diary, I really have it bad. And, I always said that I wouldn't. I guess you should never say never, cause you never know what's going to happen.

~Kadie

[Kadie Taylor]

Dear Diary,

Things with Lee and I were perfect, and here I go, screwing everything up. I've just.......had a lot on my mind. A lot has happened since I last wrote.

You know what's really surprising? How good Lee and I were working out. He's great, really great, so he's not the reason why I'm surprised that it was working out so well. Telling him I loved him came easy for me. Telling him all about James and Jon and what not came hard, but he understood. I even told him that I probably won't even be able to have kids. Again, totally understanding.

The M word was even tossed around after I told him that I can't have kids. Sort of freaky, but you know what? After awhile, it wasn't a freaky thought. I mean sure, I didn't want to get married for a long time, but it wasn't freaky at all thinking about being married to him in the future.

But of course, when things are going so good, it seems that something is there to screw it all up. Maybe I'm just freaking out a little too much over all of this though.

I've sort of turned back into the Snow Queen. I've been pushing Lee, Jay, and Rowena all away. Those three are my best friends. They mean everything to me. But I guess I should tell you what happened huh?

First of all, Jace found out that Jon got out of prison. Nobody made a big deal out of it. In spite of the fact that he killed someone, they just let it go like it was no big deal. Jace found out from Professor Jones. Apparantly Professor Jones is Jon's cousin. I won't hold it against her though. She's not proud of being related to such a man.

Anyway, I wouldn't have freaked out about that so much. But then, Jon sent me a letter. How, I don't know. But he got in contact with me and sent me this threatning letter. Me, being the person I am, I didn't want to continue looking behind my shoulder. So, I wrote him back.

We made plans to meet. I'm meeting him tonight. Am I stupid? Probably. And there's no way I'm going to drag Jace and Lee into this. This is my thing. I want to go there and see if I can end it. My brother never should have killed his brother. And Jon never should have killed Khy. I want to see if I can get through to Jon somehow and end this stupid cycle.

Anyway, and that's not the only thing on my mind. I found out the other day that Jace is my half-brother. Jace has known about it for who knows how long and he has not told me. I found out because I overheard him talking to my father.

Why has my father never told me? And does my mom know? Does Jace's father know? I mean, I thought my parents had a really good marriage, and they seem to be really in love. But is it all an act? Does my father love Jace's mother? Why did my father cheat on my mother? I just don't get it. My mother was only two months pregnant with Khy and I when my dad decided to hop in Jace's mom's bed.

Jace's family has been like a second family to me. And now I'm not sure that I'll be able to look at them in the same way. And my parents and I just barely started to get along, and then I find out about this.

And things with Lee were perfect, and then I push him away cause I'm freaked out about all of this. And seriously, what if Lee and I do something in the future, something like what my father did? I just don't know. Maybe I'm freaking out a little too much. And sometimes I think that I'll let Lee go cause he deserves better. I love him so much though and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to let him go. And I don't want to. He means everything to me. And I haven't been showing that very well lately.

Anyway, I gotta go diary. I'll try to be better about writing. I gotta go meet Jon. I'm not going to think about anything happening to me. I just want to end this. I want to do this for Khy and for myself. But not just for me and Khy, but for everyone I love.

~Kadie

[Kadie Taylor]

Dear Diary,

Wow, it's been a long while since I've written. There could be a lot that I'd like to catch you up on, but I really just want to talk about Lee.

You see, I broke things off with him, and now I'm really regretting it. I've been going to see my old counselor, the one who helped me try to cope with Khy's death. I thought I was feeling better, so I hadn't been to see her in awhile. But then, things happened. My parents and I aren't getting along very well. Well, I'm getting along with my mom and she gave me her side of the story about my father's cheating on her. I'm still not thrilled with my father, but I'm trying to understand.

But really, this break-up with Lee is really getting to me. I can't sleep very well, I can't eat very well cause I don't have an appetite. I need him in my life, but I keep telling myself that he deserved better. I went through with my counselor on some reasonings behind why I think Lee deserves better, and my counselor made me understand some things. I realize now sort of why I feel the way I do. It's all starting to come together.

The counselor suggested family counseling, with my parents and with Jace. That should be good. I really don't like feeling this way towards my parents in spite of the fact that I've never been all that close to them anyway.

I don't know how to get things to be good again with Row and Jace. You see, they're mad at me for breaking things off with Lee. And I don't know how to get rid of this empty feeling now that things are over between Lee and I. I can't just go apologize. I mean, I made things hard enough when I went and saw Lee in his dorm.

Oh yeah, and I also met this guy named Nathan. I didn't like him at first, but he seems to be like one of my only friends at the moments. The one I can seem to talk to. But, I went to his dorm for a movie and a pizza night, and he started kissing me and such when I was crying. One thing led to another. But I stopped it before it could go any where. Still, weird. I hope he understands that I just want to be friends.

God I miss Lee. I want to tell him all that I'm feeling. Everything. But a simple apology is not going to work. And maybe he really h as moved on with his life. Yes, that thought hurts, but it's my fault. I'm the one who broke up with him. In spite of the fact that I thought my reasons were good, they were still wrong and I never should have done it. And now I get to pay those consequences.

I'll keep you updated on all that is happening Diary. It feels good to write stuff down.

~Kadie~