furtive lies and insinuation

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This diary belongs to:
Piper Livingston
If found, return to:
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry
Slytherin House
Ask for female prefect

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Entry #1 - I Can't Believe I Called Him 'Baby'

Okay, so I'm back to writing in a diary. This time, though, it's not because Ty is forcing me to in order to "vent" and "express my feelings" to help me stop being bulimic. Well, I guess I'm writing to "express my feelings", but no one's making me. I'm going to be putting pictures and stuff in here, too. Kind of a scrapbook journal sort of thing. I want to remember everything that's happening, even if not all of it is quite so great.

Man. I don't know how to start. Well, there's been a bit of drama lately. Its all kind of weird. I'm ready for it to all stop and for people to just leave me & Austin alone. It all kind of started a couple months ago when Austin & I had our one-year anniversary. We... well, you can guess what happens on anniversaries. I hope. Wait, no. You're a diary. And if you're a person reading this, you had SO better stop reading now.

Anyway. Anniversary. Things happened. Somehow, Kia, my twin sister, figured out exactly what it was that happened. She's had this thing for a while now about wanting to make my life miserable. I'm not sure why. She figures the best way to do it is to steal Austin or to at least break us up. So she pulled a prank on me. And... it was the cruelest prank I've ever heard of. She was slipping stuff into my drink every morning, causing me to throw up until about lunchtime. After a few weeks of that, she suggested I might be pregnant... and I freaked.

It was all downhill from there. Well, it was downhill before that, but the hill got steeper. It was like we were falling off a cliff. It was that bad. As soon as I got enough energy, I met Austin in the courtyard and told him I thought I might be pregnant. And... he kind of flipped out, too. We were both in a bad mood, and we started arguing. Well, not really arguing. Just... bickering? Yeah.

Then some girl came up to us and told us that Kia had been putting stuff in my drinks. It was a huge relief to know that I wasn't you-know-what, but Austin and I were still kind of bickering. His family and mine are just so... different. He doesn't understand why I keep giving Kia more chances.

Halfway through a hug I was giving Austin, Evan came up and dragged me away. He'd been eavesdropping on us and now he was throwing a sh.tfit. It was awful. That wasn't even the worst part, though. As soon as Evan got me away from Austin, MY brother approached Austin and began beating the snot out of him. Somehow, HE'D found out, too. I'm not too sure of what was said, but it was bad enough for Carson to keep beating him. Evan and I raced to the rescue, and Carson ended up accidentally hitting me. Eventually, we got them away from each other.

Poor Austin had a lip ring torn out, so his lip was all disgusting and bloody. And he had a black eye. It was the worst thing I'd ever seen. Even if we'd been bickering just a couple minutes before, I went straight to Austin and made sure he was okay. I actually even called him 'baby'. I've never done that before. It was kind of weird. Usually I'm against such stupid names like that. I mean, he isn't a baby. Why would I call him one? But to be honest, I kind of liked it.

Evan ended up apologizing, and I forgave him. Carson tried, and then he crashed like a baby bird. He said something about nothing is ever for forever, though people are constantly saying forever. The whole 'we'll be together forever' thing. He doesn't think its ever true. And... he kind of got to me and Austin. It's true... every couple says forever, but look how many couples actually last. A miniscule amount. It was pretty depressing, really. I don't like thinking about a future without Austin. He's not just my boyfriend. He's my best friend. Like... if Austin broke up with me, I'd want to go tell Austin because he's my best friend. If that makes sense.

So... yeah. I sort of freaked out for a minute there, thinking about what it'd be like if Austin just suddenly wasn't in my life anymore. I think I'd rather die, to be honest. My finger has gotten too dang used to that promise ring, I refuse to take it off, no matter what happens. Anyway, I have to go now. Maybe I'll finish later. Or not. We'll see.

Piper

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Photo Entry #1 - I Heart Austin
Okay, so my camera sucks. Oh well. Its kind of hard to keep up with the latest technology at magic school.



Aw. Cute. It was a long day with a very nice ending...


Mmm... yum. I think this is pretty self-explanatory, don't you?


And that, kids, is all you can do when your brother busts your boyfriend's lip.

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Entry #2 - Sh!tfaced / Break-Up / Back Together/ Caught With Our Pants Down

Remember how I said something about preferring death to not being with Austin? Well, it kind of happened. Not the death, obviously, but not being with Austin. And the dumbest part of it all is it was my fault. I broke up with HIM, because I'm a freaking tard. But... my reason was good, at least, I thought so.

Basically, Austin, Nevin, Matthew, and I all got drunk together because... we could. I don't remember why. We played 'I never'. Unfortunately, Alcohol gets to me very quickly, and I said 'I've never smoked', which Austin has. Uh... I don't think I wrote about that. Basically... he smoked, we fought, I went home, he flew to apologize, we made up, etc. Anyway. Austin got mad because I said that, remembering our fight (mind you, we've had a lot of drama up to this point). So we kind of bickered for a little while.

Finally, Austin gave up and decided he wanted to dance with NEVIN, not me. I can understand not wanting to dance with me while we were arguing, but how rude is it to dance with NEVIN? He's never danced with me. Ever. Not once. And now he was dancing with someone that wasn't me. I'M THE FREAKING DANCER! Well, not really anymore. I stopped so I could spend more time with him. And he danced with her. So I got mad and danced with Matt.

But then Austin decided to take it one giant leap forward, and he made out with Nevin. I got mad, and did the dumbest thing I could possibly do, and I made out with Matthew. By the time we were hungover, we'd made up, but when I went back to my common room late the next day, it was really starting to bug me that we could do something like that to each other and be okay with it.

So the next day, I broke up with him. No warning or anything. I pretended I was okay, which was a pretty horrible thing to do, because I wasn't. I gave in after a week and had to talk to Austin. I'm like... addicted to him. We talked... bickered... slept... talked... and decided we needed to have more fun, and that all the crap that'd been happening had been getting to ud. So we went to the amusement park and we hung out and had fun. Then... we got back together because... the whole just friends thing was SO not working out.

We're doing really well now. We have more fun than we did before. We're careful with everything we do so we don't hurt each other. I think we're going to be alright this time. No, I know we're going to be alright. Want proof? Here's a mediocre example of a time that could've gone way wrong, but instead we took it in stride and laughed it off.

If you're a person reading this, maybe ten, twenty years in the future... maybe more... don't judge me. Er... us. We waited a year before doing anything 'dirty' and by the time this day happened, we'd been going out for over 2 years. Anyway...

It was late at night. We were in my house, a few days ago, just visiting. Everyone was asleep. We were bored. And kind of, well, turned on. We hadn't... in a while. And we really wanted to. Like... REALLY. You don't even know how bad. We tried so hard to resist temptation. We weren't even cuddling. That's how bad it was. Austin gave in first, and I gave in just seconds after.

Austin was stripped down to his boxers. Luckily, the only thing I wasn't wearing was my shirt. My brother walked in and screamed, thinking Austin was hurting me. My dad came in and threw Austin out. Then I had to give Zachary 'the talk'. Only... I failed miserably, so Dad sent Austin in to help. Austin said it in a very... blunt... way. Too blunt. But oh well. We ended up laughing about it afterwards. It was actually really funny. Before "the breakup", we wouldn't have laughed about that. We probably wouldn't have touched each other for a week after that.

But anyway... I have to go, or I'll be late for Christmas!

Piper[/font]

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Photo Entry #2 - <3, Still


How did we manage to look so sexy?


You know, I'm really not too sure about the top picture.


Oh, HAHA, Austin. Very funny. Nice drawing, butthead.

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Entry #3 - The 'M' Word

I don't think Austin understands where I'm coming from. At all. Maybe HE can get past the fact that his parents' marriage failed, but I can't get over my parents' failed marriage. Yeah, they're still together, but neither of them want to be. We both come from broken families. The chances of a marriage between us working are slim. Very slim.

Its not like its just him I don't want to marry. If I'm not going to marry him, I sure as hell won't marry ANYBODY. I still want to be with him for the rest of my life. I mean, I want my own place and my own bed to go home to, just in case we've spent too much time together and we need a little air. We'd probably end up spending every night together. But... just in case? So we don't get tired of each other and break up?

WHY AM I DOUBTING THIS? WHY AM I DOUBTING US?!

This is stupid. I don't have a good reason for doubting our ability to last. We get through everything. And I LOVE him. And I LOVE the IDEA of marriage. Its so beautiful. I just wish I had faith in promising the rest of my life to somebody, instead of just going on as long as we can without breaking up.

Maybe it wouldn't end up so bad. We've been against the odds before. We did it. We'll do it again. I can't let my parents have control of my life, even when I'm not living with them. Jesus, Piper, man up! Or... whatever.

Piper[/font]

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Entry #4 - Acceptance

That's what it's all about, isn't it? I'm learning how to accept things...
-I'm going to get married, probably quite young. I've accepted the fact that I'm going to have to at least try it before I decide marriage is horrible. I couldn't ask for a better man to promise the rest of my life to.
-I can't change Carson. I won't be the one to get him to stop smoking pot. I can't pull him out of his shell- he'll be social/nice if and when he wants to be. I've accepted the fact that Cars is going to have to learn when to be serious and when to let go without my help.
-Kia may never be nice to me. I've given out enough chances. I can love her and hate her at the same time, and I've accepted that.
-No matter how hard I try, Kenzie will never have the same childhood as me. Hers will be harder. She'll grow up much less naive than I did, and much quicker, and I can't always protect her.
-My parents will never like each other. Ever. Maybe they loved each other once, but they will never love each other again. They just didn't work. But at least they're trying to stay together. They've made it this far. I guess I respect them solely for the fact that they're setting their chance for happiness aside, and torturing themselves into staying together for their children.

Piper[/font]

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Photo Entry #3 - D'Aw


My boyfriend is a good artist!


When Carson has a camera, part un

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Entry #5 - So much.

As far as first loves go, Austin is top notch. If we were to end right now, I wouldn't regret a single second I had with him. Except whatever made us end. He makes so many mistakes, but he tries so hard. I wish it wasn't this hard for us. I see couples around here whose relationships seem so much easier. It makes me feel so bad for Austin. Sometimes I wonder if he's still happy. Does he wish we were like them? We used to be like them. We're not them. We can never be them again. We never liked normal, anyhow.

But now I'm pregnant. He didn't take it so well at first, but he's trying so hard now. I feel like a wh.ore. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I shouldn't ask him to be a part of this. I want to tell him to leave me so he can go be happier with someone else. I want proof he's happy with me still. I just want everything to be easy for him. I feel like an embarrassment. I'm embarrassed for both of us. Ashamed.

Piper[/font]

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Entry #6 - Abandon ship, she's taking on water!

My fingers are so swollen that it makes it kind of hard to write, but I wanted to get one last journal entry in before I have the baby, you know? I really shouldn't have waited this long to do it. The due date passed days ago. I guess in this respect I'm lucky the baby is late. Half of me wants it out. Right now. I've never been so uncomfortable in my life. I'm so gigantic. I was lucky to stay relatively small until this last month or two. I'm HUGE. And ever since the baby dropped, walking has become quite the task. I pretty much spend all my time sitting in bed. The other half of me would rather take this discomfort than face reality. I am so scared. I've been slowly building up a support system that I think will work out. Everything will be okay.

We still don't know the gender, but apparently the mother's insticts are usually right, and my instincts are telling me it's a boy. I don't know why, but it's just my guess. If it ends up being a girl, I'll probably kick myself in the face once I can finally reach again (could I do that in the first place?) for being wrong, but I won't be disapointed in the slightest bit.

Technically I shouldn't really be at school anymore, and I should be at Austin's house, chillin' with his mom til D-Day (B-Day?). Its supposedly safer that way? I don't know. I wanted to spend as much time here as possible. Anyway, the plan is I pop the thing out (I'm pretending it's easy), and then we live happily for the next two months at Austin's. Austin will visit us every weekend and then, when school gets out... we don't know. No idea at all. We'll get there.

I think I'm going to ask Steph to be the godmother. But she's kind of his aunt already, though, I've learned. She's been dating Carson for a long time. Hmm...

Well I'm getting tired. I get tired fast these days. I'm going to take a nap. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.

Piper[/font]

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These little things make me think of you.
It’s sweet to know that our love is true.
Love love love is a beautiful feeling.
Never thought you would come back to me.
Trust trust trust never knew it existed.
So glad that you proved me wrong.
Now I know that I’ve always needed you.
Time to show them that they were all wrong.
Grab my hand and take me to a place where I feel safe. [/size]